my actual ass

Does This Cupcake Make My Ass Look Small?

Colleen OBrien
4 min readApr 3, 2021


I drug (word? appropriate use?) my achy body into hot yoga again this morning in my attempt to break out of my funk that I am blaming in part on the vaccine. That is another story. This is about the cupcakes…

So I find my spot next to the mirror, not I might add because I want to check myself out, although that is exactly what I did for the entire excruciating 60 minutes.

I check myself out in part to make sure I am doing it right because I can’t feel my body and I am not sure I am even upright some of the time. Like an airplane that is inverted. You actually cannot tell you are flying upside down. That is me right now in 105 degree yoga. Yes, it is that difficult. And then I noticed the cupcakes…

The actual original impetus for grabbing the spot next to the mirror is that I noticed yesterday, also in hot yoga, that I have all but lost any semblance of balance and I needed the wall, which so happens to have a mirror on it, to stay upright. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t exactly auditioning for Cirque de Soleil, but I could stand on one foot in a yoga class. I need to work on that. Note to self.

So… I didn’t want to fall over is the point. I wouldn’t be falling on anyone as is usually the case in these overpacked mats-on-top-of-one-another classes. Nooooo. This is covid yoga. We are miles apart and there are only 8 of us. Which sucks by the way. A lot of the reason I love this class is because of all of the energy in the room. It is incredible. All of those people, practically on top of one another. And in this particular locale of Sun Valley Idaho, they are mostly professional athletes so it is quite a marvel. Quite possibly could sell it as a spectator sport. Oh yeah, we don’t have those anymore either. Arrrrgh. It is very inspiring to see unless of course you go into a deep depression over your shortcomings. Another topic. Anyway. Jeez it is taking me a long time to get to the point! So I am next to the mirror so I don’t come crashing down during balancing tricks. Despite the fact that I would not fall on a person, it is still embarrassing and it hurts more to fall on the wood floor than on a professional athlete. They may have actually caught you if you were lucky.

What I found on this lovely Hot Saturday morning was more than a wall to lean into.

As I am gazing over at myself and my random cupcake leggings that I bought on Poshmark, not because I like cupcakes especially as I can take or leave them really but because they are a brand I really like and they are on Poshmark at a fraction of the cost. So I bought cupcake leggings. Whatever. They are colorful and they fit well.

Sidebar. I only wear colors when I work out. My running shoes must be the brightest most obscure color combination or I won’t buy them. Bonus is that I am less likely to be hit by a car.

I am always by the way getting comments and compliments on these leggings which is a big deterrent to my wearing them. I don’t even like cupcakes. These leggings shoved me right out of neutral and into dislike. They were cheap! Whatever.

So I look over into the mirror at myself while attempting to hold my least favorite pose, The Crescent, which I am sure means that I need to work on the Crescent Pose, another note to self… And I am sure there is a methaphor about balance and crescents somewhere in here. I will look. More on that later.

I look over and I notice for the first time ever that the cupcake on my ass is huge. The rest of the cupcakes are small. They are the size of a cookie. A small cookie. Not an Oreo, but a Chips Ahoy. The cookie on my left ass which is screaming at me in the mirror, is huge. It is the size of a giant pancake! Is it because my ass has stretched the cookie out to the size of a Denny’s breakfast special? Why is it so big? I wonder if they make the cupcakes on the ass bigger so that my ass will look smaller? Now that makes sense. Brilliant.

I am home from yoga now and thinking that when I recover from this hideous hot yoga class at altitude with professional athletes, I will peel off my leggings and wash them and analyze the size of the cupcakes.

Stay tuned.