Said Smoker Boy

her: “Can I set you up with my neighbor?”

me: “No thanks, I’m good.”

her: “It’s just coffee”.

me: “No thanks. I’m good”.

I had seen his photo and he seemed too cool and slick for me, was the actual truth. That is not interesting or intriguing to me. In the beginning (make a note of that), I make good choices. I set myself up for success. I see a potential icky situation and I avoid it. I do not want to save or convert anyone. I am not even slightly interested in snagging the lifelong bachelor who is afraid of commitment. No fucking thank you. I am not into dating and relationship challenges. I went with “I’m good” because it was easier. And I was good. I was really good. NOTSOMUCH anymore.

[Insert tons of peer pressure from not one, but two of my best friends]

me: “Fine, give him my number”.

her: “I told him you just wanted something casual. Guys like that.” This, by the way, from a woman who has been married (not dating guys) for 20+ years.

Do I want something casual? I don’t think so. I am not good at casual. I think I am and then I am sadly reminded that I am not.

It’s never going to go anywhere anyway (he’s too cool for me, his ex-girlfriend is 20 years my junior, i am not his type, the list goes on), I told myself, so make a friend. It’s coffee. Sounds fun. Who cares. Famous last words…

Well, casual is an understatement. Or misstatement. It is not casual. Unreliable and infrequent, yes. Sometimes. It is not even reliably unreliable or infrequent. It is frequently unreliable. It is fun and funny, easy and sexy, intimate and amazing and not at all casual, for me. I am not good at casual. I do not do casual. Write that on the chalkboard 2,000 times. Repeat.

Are we broken up? I don’t even fucking know. That is how casual this is. We don’t even have to break up to be broken up. Or are we broken up? Are/were we even together? Is there anything to break? How many days have to go by until we are actually broken up? How will I know? Does whatever it is/was warrant a “breakup”? Fuck me.

He used the terms “seeing each other” and “dating”. That is SOMEthing. It is not nothing. He thinks he is seeing me. He said he is dating me. What is that? Is it a permanent status? Or temporary until he doesn’t want to “see” me or “date” me anymore?

I am making this a little too lighthearted. It is not lighthearted. Not for me. It is heavy-hearted. Heavy and black-hearted.

I wait with anticipation. Sometimes I hear from him. Sometimes I don’t. I am busy. I have a ton of responsibilities and a full and busy life. Yet, I wait. I am distracted. There is a cloud over me. Until I hear the ding dong. The ding dong of a text. And relief sets in. And then I read the text. Sometimes I get to keep the relief. Sometimes I don’t. Is it a plan, or a litany of reasons he can’t make a plan? Is it simply the time, which I think is meant to say, I am thinking about you? Used to be 11:11, but apparently he does not think about me on a schedule.

My friends tell me to date other people. I don’t want other people. I want him. I compare everyone I meet to him. They don’t measure up. Maybe they will be reliable and frequent. Does not occur to me. I am blind.

I didn’t even want to have fucking coffee with him. Wha Happon?!!!!!! How did he go from irrelevant to this?

Is it the uncertainty? I have survived the ending of many very serious relationships. This is different. This is unknown.

We had a conversation. That is when it got really awful. Since the conversation. It could be circumstantial? Or it could have been the impetus. Another mystery.

He was admittedly “baked” and on steroids so it is unclear if he remembers the conversation, or the content anyway. He talked a lot. for 21/2 hours.

Let me add that we don’t “talk”. We mostly text and make dates and hang out for days at a time. We have never been out together, except for the coffee. We have never ridden in a car together. That is a thing! Is he a good driver? I am. That matters to me. I don’t even know! Will we ever ride in a car together? Go to a restaurant? Spend time with other people? Probably not. Just sinking in.

I am in a vacationship.

He asked if I saw our relationship as an incubation for something else. “Yes”, I said.

Mic drop.

Isn’t everything an incubation for something? Change. We’ve heard our entire lives. The only constant is change. Nothing stays the same. Even, and especially, when we want it to remain exactly as it is. We find the sweet spot and want to lock it in. So many cliches. Too many. For very good reason. It is truth. Reliable undeniable truth.

Just fucking break up with me. I deserve a proper break-up.

Is my heart breaking? From rejection? Am I not enough? Not the right girl? He has had serious relationships, or so it seems. I wasn’t in them so who knows if they just seem serious because those women hung on in the incubation stage longer than I am capable or willing. They were younger. Had more time. Maybe more patience. Maybe he threw them more bones. Maybe he has since learned not to throw so many. Not to lead a girl on. “Mess with your head or anything.” He said that. He doesn’t want to. Oh well, Swing and a miss. Head is officially messed with.

Which is not to say that I blame him. Not at all. I am not a victim. I am an ambitious and willing participant. The more I comb over the past 4 months, the more obvious it becomes. He has been as clear as I have been inquisitive.

Something really obvious just occurred to me. I could ask. I had a therapist at one time who said to me, “if he is sticking his penis in your vagina, you are allowed to ask questions.”

He is. Was…

I am afraid to ask because one: I don’t want the wrong answer and two: it could force the bigger question which may lead to the wrong answer.

I don’t want to seem needy. I am not needy unless wanting to know what the fuck is going on makes me needy, in which case I am needy.

Is there anything wrong with being that kind of needy? Somehow I believe so. Somewhere along the way (probably in the beginning) I learned that if I am not easy and completely lacking in wants and needs, I will be rejected and replaced, because I am simply not worth the effort or commitment. The core. There it is.

Awareness is the first step. It is essential because without awareness we cannot make the internal changes necessary to change our circumstances. Step one: check. Step two: ?

I sit with my awareness that we want different things. Can I let go of what I have to get what I want?

Which leads to the million dollar question…

Am I able and willing to break up with people and things that are not good for me?

Stay tuned.